Effing Things Up, Old School
I seem to be sliding away on this little slipstream through time, where I'm losing track of things and forgetting important stuff, and even though I'm grasping at the sides trying to slow down, it's not really working. It's something that just happens every now and again, and the best thing to do, it seems like, is stop fighting it and just cancel as many commitments as I can until things regain equilibrium.
Earlier in the week, I was supposed to go volunteer in A's classroom. I completely forgot. The teacher didn't send me a scolding note or anything, so it was actually three or four days before I realized my mistake. I almost forgot my coffee date Wednesday morning, and last night I fell asleep putting the kids to bed and slept through another commitment. I have something scheduled for Sunday and even though it's something I want to do, with people I want to be with, I desperately want to get out of it.
I think a lot of it is that I haven't been getting enough alone time lately. Any, actually. 24/7 I am with people. Even at night, one of the kids has been crawling into bed with me (kindergarten rant to follow), and I'm woken up by people touching and poking me and talking in my face. Too much of this always results in a caged bear feeling and reality beginning to detach around the edges. I've been getting OUT plenty, which is good and important in its own way, but it's not alone.
It's funny to me now that I used to think working a full time job was extremely demanding on the socialization front. At least then I could go take a lunch break by myself, or go home and decompress for an entire evening if I wanted. I suppose the upshot is that my socialization tolerance has vastly increased. And I do enjoy socializing, I can't stress that enough. It's just ultimately very tiring, and I can't recharge unless left alone quietly with my own thoughts. I find myself lately uttering, barely aware of it, "Please Stop Talking to Me!" to the kids when they are just doing that verbal meandering that kids do.
When I suffered socialization burnout pre-marriage and pre-kids, it was an easy fix. I'd turn off the phone, ignore the doorbell, stay in my pajamas and read books in bed for a few days until I felt like facing the human race again. This approach no longer works.
So I'm left with trying to figure out a way to get alone time without it taking away from something or someone else.
So far, I'm coming up pretty short.
Earlier in the week, I was supposed to go volunteer in A's classroom. I completely forgot. The teacher didn't send me a scolding note or anything, so it was actually three or four days before I realized my mistake. I almost forgot my coffee date Wednesday morning, and last night I fell asleep putting the kids to bed and slept through another commitment. I have something scheduled for Sunday and even though it's something I want to do, with people I want to be with, I desperately want to get out of it.
I think a lot of it is that I haven't been getting enough alone time lately. Any, actually. 24/7 I am with people. Even at night, one of the kids has been crawling into bed with me (kindergarten rant to follow), and I'm woken up by people touching and poking me and talking in my face. Too much of this always results in a caged bear feeling and reality beginning to detach around the edges. I've been getting OUT plenty, which is good and important in its own way, but it's not alone.
It's funny to me now that I used to think working a full time job was extremely demanding on the socialization front. At least then I could go take a lunch break by myself, or go home and decompress for an entire evening if I wanted. I suppose the upshot is that my socialization tolerance has vastly increased. And I do enjoy socializing, I can't stress that enough. It's just ultimately very tiring, and I can't recharge unless left alone quietly with my own thoughts. I find myself lately uttering, barely aware of it, "Please Stop Talking to Me!" to the kids when they are just doing that verbal meandering that kids do.
When I suffered socialization burnout pre-marriage and pre-kids, it was an easy fix. I'd turn off the phone, ignore the doorbell, stay in my pajamas and read books in bed for a few days until I felt like facing the human race again. This approach no longer works.
So I'm left with trying to figure out a way to get alone time without it taking away from something or someone else.
So far, I'm coming up pretty short.
Labels: antisocial freak, introversion, introvert, kids, parenting, socialization
posted by bizarrogirl at
6:47 AM
5 Comments:
You mean you're not supposed to say "The words have to stop leaving your mouth for the next three minutes. Please, all I ask is three minutes!" to the five year old?
I really related to your post. I had originally envisioned myself as a loner and used to take active measures to scare people off. But, I guess because I am not truly a jerk, people still seem to like me and eventually I let people get close -- I have friends... I even have made new friends recently... heck, I even got married and had kids which is not something I thought I was cut out for. My choice of job was due to my indestructible empathy for my fellow humans. All told, I've done a lot to undermine my lone wolf drive and became a part of a sometimes overwhelming pack.
Unfortunately, when I try to get alone time now, it raises concerns and seems to make some people pursue me harder which only makes me more protective of my personal space and thus a vicious circle. I understand they care about me but they also need to respect my need to feel free to soar on my own now and again.
To what adults who can hear that, tell them. To those who can't, hopefully, ignore them. To the rest, I'm sure you can guess. I think we all need our space and people who can't respect that don't care for you as much as they believe they do.
Yes! I have noticed that wanting alone time really worries people who don't recharge that way. It's as if they think you must be really going around the bend, to want to be alone, and you might just not come back.
I think my concerns about being misunderstood are probably overblown, but I do worry that if I take space, people may *stay* away, ykwim? But hopefully not so worried that I can't manage anyway. :)
I hear you. My "alone time" is going to the gym and now that I'm back at school, study time. I'm looking forward to moving and having my own office for exactly that reason. I overload too, not only on general socailizatioj but on my own immediate family.
Man, what I wouldn't give for an hour alone, with no errands to run or doctors to see.
Yep, I totally relate.
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