...

It's been very sunny the past few days. Maybe it's cold, I don't know. I haven't left the house in fecking DAYS. The rage is beginning to unfurl from deep within. At first, I thought it was merely onset of more gruesome cramps, but it has a slightly different quality.

Yeah, so let's review: Q got pink eye on Weds. I started feeling ill on Thursday. Baby C was diagnosed with pink eye and dual ear infections on Friday. She started throwing up on Saturday, which is conveniently when things got bad for me as well. Sunday and Monday Q took care of all of us, and I'm feeling better (though not terrific) just in time, because he came down with this Gastro Bug from Hell last night.

A is either going to miss this one, or she's going to come last. We just don't know. It's part of the fun!

I Hate February, and I Hate Winter, and I Hate Germs. I'm really tired of putting my life on hold every few weeks to deal with some new version of Ick, and continually being behind on everything. Because ODDLY ENOUGH the world doesn't stop just because we're all fucking languishing over here.

Yeah yeah. Whine whine, bitch bitch.

Call the Wahmbulance

Seriously. This parenting crap is exhausting. I really feel like I would love to have just two or three days to veg continuously in a really flagrant manner. You know, staying in my pajamas all day, eating nothing but Nutella on white bread, reading, and taking extended naps.

We kept busy this weekend. I think. I barely remember it. I remember going to UU this morning (I always feel compelled to say "UU" rather than "church" because of churchy connotations I wish to avoid), being at the dojo twice yesterday, and a rather-stressful-but-not-as-bad-as-last-time mall trip.

I hate mall trips. Srsly.

This particular mall had a really cool play area for little kids. And we let the kids play there for a good long while, until some absolute asses allowed their clearly taller than 42" children to come bursting in and take over the place, completely oblivious to the smaller children who actually belonged there. Celyn got hurt at one point, but just out of my view, and though she sobbed and sobbed and sobbed she refused to tell me what was wrong.

You know how annoying that is? Because I really wanted an excuse to bust some heads in there, and she refused to say anything. A while later, after the fact, she murmured something about "...dat kid dat conked me," almost to herself.

"Oh, are you going to tell me what happened now?" I asked.

"Nevermind," she said, with this little eyeroll and sigh. As if to say, "Duh, Mom, jeez, just like, butt out, okay?" This kind of attitude from a two year old is maddening.

Meanwhile, Ani keeps hinting around about "mean kids" at kindergarten. But she follows up any remark with, "I don't want to talk about it." Um, then why did you bring it up? I was just sitting here, minding my own business, you know? Then I get stressed and I really have no idea what's going on. Especially in light of the fact that my own kid has done a few things in the last week that could easily be construed as "mean kid" behavior.

Also, my upcoming week is making me want to run away from home. I have to take the car at least four out of five days, and on two of those days, I will essentially be doing shitty surface road driving nearly all day long, against my will. For rough example:

8am: Take someone somewhere.
8:30am: Take someone somewhere else.
9:00am: Prearranged appointment.
11:00am: Leave to pick up someone.
12:15ish: Arrive home.
1:00pm: Give a kid a nap.
2:45pm: Leave to pick up someone else.
3:30pm: Arrive home? Hardly seems worthwhile when ...
5:00pm: Leave to pick up someone else.
6:00pm: Arrive home again.
7:30pm: Leave one last time for class.

This makes for one crappy day, let me just say. And I get to do it twice this week! YAY! This seems like a completely worthless waste of time. I can't even multitask when I'm driving the car. I'm just bored senseless and, 90% of the time, listening to one or more children yell or sing or say, "Mama? Mama? Mama? Mama? KNOCK KNOCK! Mama?! I said, KNOCK KNOCK!!"

Meanwhile, my giant horrible apparently reproducing asexually blobs of CSA produce are withering untouched in the kitchen.

DO NOT WANT. This isn't how I was supposed to be spending my new little tiny blurbs of childfree time. (Just fwiw: I am not blaming anyone for our single car state, it's just an unfortunate circumstance that doesn't appear to be ending soon. Bah.)

Getting in the Swing?

It's been a busy few days. Friday I picked up Ani early from school for the joyful experience of having her finger lanced and drained and starting on a ten day course of antibiotics. Whee.

Saturday, shoe shopping for two restless little girls at a busy mall. Again, I say, whee. At least they both now have sturdy, brown, Go With Anything Mary Janes that fit for the next three weeks or so. Ani is really due for an ill-timed growth spurt of the feet, since she's been a size 10 for ages.

Sunday, I went to church because Annika made me. Seriously, she's been bugging me for months, because we drive by the church every time we go to karate. We hadn't been going because I've had a Sunday morning standing coffee date for the past, oh, year or so.

It was a little lesson in reality for her, though, because as it was the first day of church school for the calendar year, all the kids started out in the chapel to stay until there was a teacher introduction and blessing, and that was, in my opinion, really protracted. It was as if the people handling the bits before and up to that point had no idea that there would be gaggles of restless children in the pews, wiggling and fidgeting and saying repeatedly, "Is it done yet? Is it done yet? Is it done yet?"

Finally, Ani went to her class and C went to nursery. She loved nursery. Ani, on the other hand, expected to just go play, but at her age, she has an actual class, and as far as she could tell, all they did was learn the "rules" and make a nametag.

It's hard to be 5, and discover that organized things are a lot less fun than they rightfully should be. She opined many times this weekend that preschool was a lot better than real school has been. Yep, that's the silly bureaucratic world we live in, darling. Where "lessons" are more important than "play" even though kids learn better through play. Screw research, anyway. [/sarcasm]

I wasn't terribly impressed with either the friendliness or the general sense of organization, myself. They both still want to go back, and truthfully, I'm not sure there are any better options in this 'burb anyway. We'll keep trying for a while.

So, to counteract all the sitting -- which is becoming quite a theme -- we got a frapuccino to share and went to the park for an hour. We also agreed that if she was going to keep missing out on outdoor recess at school, we would make it a priority to go outside for an hour every day after school.

Meanwhile, I'm trying fervently to get into the swing of FlyLady. I've printed out the things that feel relevant and helpful (no way am I signing up for the email badgering, which also smacks of clutter imo) and trying to get settled into those routines. I won't lie, it kind of pisses me off to, say, mop at 8:00am right after I'm finally alone in the house, but I do feel a lot less stressed when the kids are home, knowing I've already done quite a bit and don't have to keep shooing them away in order to do Yet Another Chore. (Then again, having them gone at all facilitates this ... if they're home all the time, I don't get anything done at any time without doing that.)

And I'm thankful it's not 89° today like it was yesterday, because I finally feel like cooking or doing anything that might generate heat, like moving. Now I'm going to get the kid off the bus and make some autumnal snack, like popcorn. Yum.

A super quick update I don't have time for

(Which is to say, I am sure I should be doing something more concretely productive. Anyway.)

Cel stayed home from preschool yesterday "sick" (fever, no other symptoms) so it threw me off routine. Which, my routine is very tenuous as it is. So I'm trying to figure out a loose daily schedule that will keep me on track and also allow some fun to be "built in." Kid fun, that is.

One recess, as of yesterday, in one week of school. Not really happy about that.

Allowed her to buy lunch on pizza day. A happy surprise: she didn't like it, and asked me to keep packing her lunch. Yay!

This morning, she woke up with an infected hangnail. She groaned, and said, "Well, I guess I have two choices: get a bandaid, or quit school."

I raised my eyebrows. "Okay. So which do you think you'd prefer?"

"Bandaid," she stated resolutely. "If I quit school, I'd be terrified."

Ok then, so homeschooling is still off the drawing board.

I joined the PTA. Oh, I'm sure the fabric of the universe is beginning to unravel somewhere.

Staying home with Celyn is a vastly different experience than staying home with Annika was/is. They're so different. Celyn putters around, she occupies herself, she's happy with almost anything we do. Annika is much more of a Type A, "let's go let's do hurry go faster why don't we EVER we only went 8 places today!" kind of kid. Which is exhausting for me, because it's so completely opposite from me. I think I could spend a whole afternoon pondering while I stared off into space and be totally happy with that. Not every day, mind you.

I think Celyn and I might be able to do some of the activities I had originally planned to do with Annika at the same age, until it became apparent she wanted nothing to do with most of them. So we'll see. Things are changing, and it could be pretty interesting all around.

What a Day

The kids came home, all happy and whatnot. Cel was bubbling over with tales of "gul," and what she did there, and how much she liked her (new) teachers. Ani got off the bus looking sweaty and tired (why is it so fecking hot out? why?) and otherwise completely nonchalant. I tried not to pry, she told me a few things, and later she asked for help writing an "I Love You" note to her teacher and said, "I can't wait to go back to SCHOOL TOMORROW!"

So I guess it went well.

There was also much tiredness, and a few spillover crying tantrums. Cel took a two hour nap and then stayed up against our will until 9:30pm (gack), but Ani was out cold by 8pm on the button.

I'm reeling a little bit, experiencing the reality of not being in contact with my child at all from 7:45am to 2:30pm, especially in this day and age where, when something crosses my mind, I call someone or email them or text them. Instantly. Now I can't even check with my kid to see if she's ok. Weird.

And also, the reality of this "every day" thing. We've always done two day a week preschool, and I don't regret that, but oh my god. Every. Single. Day?

On the positive side, I got a ton of work done while they were gone, and felt so much more competent and patient and compassionate by the time they got home. So the rest of the evening went smoothly. Except for the Celyn refusing to fall asleep thing while I had a ton of dirty dishes waiting in the sink. (Hello? Landlady? FIX MY DISHWASHER!) Otherwise, it was a very smooth day.

I cried a few more times, and expect to have some more cries left in me, but it's ok. A lot of that is just baggage. Have I mentioned already that I cried my whole first day of kindergarten? And cried every first day of school up through 6th? (I did get more discreet as time went on.) I was just SO nervous and afraid and uneasy, and it took a long time, every single year, to get over it. Even after that, I don't ever remember waking up and being like, "School! YES!"

I'm glad she's not like that. Neither kid seems to be. I'm so grateful. A lot of my kindergarten angst is just imagining her experiencing it the way I did, which is fanciful and completely unlikely, since she's just not like that. I was crushed if someone so much as giggled at me. This kid made it a point to tell off some teenagers at the block party.

So, yeah. Very different people. I guess she didn't inherit my depressed.as.fuck gene. Yay!

Got to go wrap while I can still prop my eyelids open. Cel is home with me the next two days. I now envision my productivity as being measurable by equations:

P = E/(4a + 2c)³

(I'm not a scientist, but I play one on TV! The TV in my mind ... on syndication.)

Stream of Consciousness

This is the first I've been on the computer all day. I hung out laundry, I baked two loaves of bread. I reorganized the kitchen, and cooked lunch. (Really, I cooked it: spaghetti with zucchini and mushrooms.)  Both children refused to nap at the usual time.

Yet, the moment I sit down with the laptop, at least one kid swarms me like they haven't seen me in months. Annika is pretending to be a dog, but she's got to be The Most Annoying Dog in the Universe. When she plays animals, she manages to make animal noises so much worse than they ever occur in nature. Her "dog" is trilling endlessly like a cat stuck inside an outboard motor, and I'm feeling the urge to tie her to a stake in the backyard.  (Which I certainly won't; I hope that's obvious.)

I also found a dead mouse in the garage this morning. Like the coward I am, I left it, and left the garage door open, hoping it will just disappear somehow.

I have been mouse-fearful all week, because I cleaned out the garage on Monday. The last time I brought in a box from the garage, I discovered a mouse in the house that evening. I suspected a connection, but was unsure. Now, I moved all my boxes of books from the garage to the basement, and sure enough, a mouse appears. I am not sure what caused this mouse to expire dramatically, flat on his back, in the middle of the garage floor (maybe he was that upset that I moved the Tolstoy,) but obviously, mice are finding my garage a cool place to hang out. That really freaks me out. I really hope that none hitched a ride into the basement with my books.

I had a kickass karate class last night. I feel like I made some sort of cardiovascular breakthrough this week, where working out hard no longer feels borderline scary. I have to attribute that to the Bikram. I can't wait to hit that class tomorrow morning. Annika is also testing for her green belt tomorrow. She just got her tiny, tiny sparring equipment and she is raring to start beating up on people. Srsly.

Now, I'm going to attempt to finish my kitchen job without attracting the attention of my pgymy marmosets children.  Wish me restraints and a tranquilizer gun luck.

Mother's Helper, Redux

My new mother's helper, J., came over for two hours Friday morning. For two consecutive hours, no one was crying. No one was whining. No one asked me for anything. No one got hurt. No one was fighting. Two little girls had an enormous amount of fun in the sunshine, I got an enormous amount of work done (including the first use of the clothesline this year!), and everyone was happy. After she went home, I fed them lunch and tucked them in for naps. One kid slept for two hours, and the other actually, legitimately rested and didn't bother me for another hour.

That was the best $8 I ever spent in my entire life.

Since a few people asked, this was my Craigslist posting:

I'm looking for a mother's helper for 4-6 hours per week in my home in [Village], [Landmark] area. Duties would only include playing with my 4 and 2 year old. Looking for an energetic, responsible girl who likes kids. I would be present at all times. Red Cross Babysitter certification preferred but not necessary; own transportation preferred. Rate negotiable.

I posted it in the Childcare section. A mom emailed me less than 12 hours from my posting, but to be fair, she was my only response. I also had someone forward the same posting to the local homeschool list, which is where my second hit came from. I'm not sure that one is going to pan out, though.

After school is out for the year, I've got J. scheduled to come every Tuesday and Thursday morning. Until then, she'll be coming after school Mondays and Wednesdays.

Freakin' sweet, huh?

big plans

My biggest kid is going to Kindergarten in the fall. She is ecstatic, whilst demanding that there better be more kids with different names [than in her preschool.] I'm excited that she'll get to meet more kids in our area, since she's such a relentless social butterfly.

That's not what I came to blog about, though. I came to blog about my vast excitement over this idea of Having Some Time to Myself.

It won't be much time, because Baby C will still be with me most of the time.  However, she is signed up for preschool two days a week in the fall, so there may actually be about six hours a week that I will be on my own.  Oh, my god!  Baby C is also far less, uh, intensively interactive than 'Ka (as C calls her), and lets me get far more done around the house.

(Right now, for instance, she is dancing around happily with a tube of my lip balm.)

Characteristically, I have grand and probably delusional plans for the next three years, before Baby C is old enough for kindergarten.

1) Yoga classes.  I haven't taken a real class since 1997.  I've dabbled with a sporadic home practice, but I'm looking forward to taking a real studio class again.  A new Bikram Yoga studio opened last month less than a mile from my house, and I'm very intrigued.  I'm planning to try a class or two as soon as possible, but probably will not be able to do it regularly until school starts.  (Because this would be in addition to, not instead of, the martial arts I'm already doing.)

2) Writing more!  I used to blog really regularly.  Now, I generally don't have the attention span required to do much writing, particularly of any quality.  This is because it's difficult to write when someone is saying, "Mommy?" or the more penetrating, "Moooo-hooooooo-mmmmmmaaa-haaaaaaay?" every thirty seconds.

(This is not an exaggeration.  One day, I conducted an experiment where I counted the seconds between "Mommy?" while on a 20 minute drive, and the longest interval I counted was 47 seconds.  This experiment helped keep me from driving the car into the side of an overpass from the aural version of Chinese Water Torture.)

3) To paraphrase a dear friend, to be the castellan* I originally intended to be when I started this whole staying home gig.  The bed making, candle lighting, linen spritzing, garden mucking, tool wielding, window dressing, rug beating, 
jam canning, car waxing, clothes hanging, bread baking, flower fluffing, barbeque hosting, wine appreciating, herb growing, good smelling, apron wearing punk rock feminist domestic dictatress (dictatrix?) I wanted to be. And I'd have succeeded, too, if it weren't for these meddling kids! (That's a joke. Don't get judgy with me.)

Fortunately, I don't think I have to do any of those things, so I'm not tortured by not doing it. I just think it would be fun, if I ever get uninterrupted stretches of time to do it, without having to sacrifice either time with the kids or my husband or, you know, time to laze around and dream about lipstick. I have my priorities, you know.



*Yes, I did deliberately use the masculine form of the word. I am an equal opportunity home overlord.